Venezuelan Crisis: What is Happening And Shouldn’t They Lay off the Drugs?

Click on the news and there it is, on Twitter, CNN, FOX, CBS, NBC, and John Oliver… Venezuela- that 2 dimensional rhino of land – hogging up the prime-time limelight. The country fast becoming that kid from Pre-school all the teachers just KNEW needed “special classes.” Every day, clockwork even, that Caribbean sovereign toddler’s temper tantrums going nuclear on all other nation’s geopolitical Duplo Blocks. 

Chile, Argentina, Spain, Europe, U.S. straddling up to their Principal at the UN: “This has got to stop!”

The UN looking at the turmoil, the autocratical snit and shrugging, “we don’t want to cause a scene. Let’s just put a wet blanket on it. He’s just cranky.”

So, when exactly did that mild manner Latin baby get a bad case of the runs and decided that a working fan would endow him with some comfort and alleviation? Let’s just say that someone has been flapping their bum cheeks wide open in front of the spinning whirly milieu of General Electric’s best wind chipper for sometime now. The cancerous bum going:

“Keep the microwave breakfast burritos coming, and don’t be stingy on the hot sauce.”

This is a fast, by the numbers and facts article that will not explore that trail of feces that is Venezuelan politics. A detailed outlook and investigation of that rather bleak bacterial breakout of toilet humor will only leave the reader dazed, confused and asking for their mother… We’re putting on our hazmat suits, buckling that full body condom down and trudging into what today can easily claim to be the following joke come to life:

Banana Republic:

1- See Venezuela.

2- Political system of an unstable country with an economy dependent upon the exportation of a limited resource product.

The Oxford Dictionary 

GQ’s Wardrobe for Peaceful Protests in Venezuela. “When you need to have your voice heard, but the government just bought new toe steel boots.”

Venezuela has been juggling pseudo cartoonish dictators since Hugo Chavez went and won as President at the outset of the millennium; once more proving that you should really take an IQ test to vote. The man became a slow metastasizing Y2K bug that incrementally edged the region into the Dark Ages. An autocratic governing system that evolved into a free-for-all orgy of madcap corruption and circus antics. We are talking about a country whose president can be quoted as proposing such savvy gambits for parochial improvements as:

“I’ve just ordered into production the fastest and most technological telephone in existence… El Vergatario (“Verga” mind you means Cock in Spanish and “Tario” translates to Big).” Apple’s execs’ having missed the opportunity of a lifetime not landing that branding brainiac onto their payroll.

Or such gems as:

“I have always said, heard, that it would not be strange that there had been a thriving civilization on Mars… But maybe, Capitalism, Imperialism, arrived there Eons ago and finished off the planet.”

The man a running Stand Up act that might have had the likes of Patton Oswald just clapping in dumbfounded amazement… “Where does he come up with this stuff?”

That’s right, for about 15 years or so, that was the mastermind that was steering the ship known as Venezuela. The place taking orders from a hodgepodge Jabba The Hut whose ego growth was only outmatched by his stomach distention. Then, tragedy, fate, karma or, like the current President declared  “a plasma beam used by the CIA” struck Hugo Chavez and the man fled this mortal coil during a bad case of Cancer; the fella’ ruling over his fiefdom from Cuba through Twitter messages… I KID YOU NOT.

And, lo’ and behold, the prodigal son, Nicolas Maduro  – a rather pugnacious ex-bus driver – was heralded by Hugo Chavez’s final breath as the continuation of his toxic pseudo socialist legacy. Maduro goes into the ring of the electoral hoot and nanny, and after some clever finagling of the numbers and tallies, wins the Presidential election with a narrow margin of 1.2%.

“I want a recount!” Goes Henrique Capriles, the opposition’s cannon fodder in that pig trial.

“Impossible,” retorts the CNE (National Election Committee – compromised of loyal members of Maduro’s staff), “we lost most of the slips…”

“Sir, all those people say they didn’t vote for you?”
“Smithers, release the hounds.”

Once more, I KID YOU NOT. You are not being Punk’d.

Maduro takes the White House – so to speak – and, as you can imagine, has people clamoring for the olden days. The start not rocky but a precipitous and full of knife edge dive with no end in sight.

Sagely wisdom from that Commander in Chief:

“A teeny little bird entered and flew around me three times… It began to whistle a beautiful little tune, so I whistled with it. The little bird looked at me strangely. It whistled for a short while. Flew around me and left. It was Hugo Chavez’s spirit talking to me from beyond the grave.”

Or this Popely train-wreck:

“Multiple ourselves, like Christ multiplied the penises.”

Or on when he went all Back To The Future:

“Do you know how I know we will prevail in this war against the armies of the US? Because I traveled to the future and saw our triumph.”

Those are just 3, but you can actually publish a book of wisecracks and antics on just his first year in office; a volume the size of any Game Of Throne’s novel.

After about a hundred of those, the populace went: “well, Chavez wasn’t really THAT bad.” 

And that was Year one in a Presidency that had insurgents iguana’s knocking out the country’s power grid, schools of NSA trained dolphins battering the government’s Ferris, CIA trained cows smacking telephone towers and a menagerie of fauna under the pay of Uncle Sam supposedly sabotaging the stupendous socialist spiritual stir; mother nature used as the proverbial scapegoat for rampant embezzlement and an infrastructure that was updated for the last time while Bill Clinton was explaining to Congress what is and isn’t sex.

Here are 4 facts you should know about Venezuela. 4 undeniable crucial tidbit on why the region is such a hot button issue in Defense Meetings over at the Pentagon.

  • Strategy-wise, from a Geo-Political point of view, Venezuela is situated at the apex of Latin America. From all vantage points, military, commercial, politically, the country finds itself at the precise intersection where North meets South; metaphorically speaking its South America’s border control.
  • The dung heap that’s Venezuela is only exasperated by the fact that it has the largest oil reserve in this hemisphere. For all accounts, from folks’ with their finger on the pulse, Venezuela should be this Hemisphere’s Dubai. 
  • Silver, copper, gold, diamonds, precious metals spur out of the ground like weeds from a Hillbilly’s garden.
  • Finally, Venezuela has a lax almost nonexistent justice system; a haven that hampers druglords, narcos, and terrorists. Embassies of this fine Socialist powerhouse selling of passports and identities to zealot groups from the Middle East with questionable philosophies and too many acronyms in their charter like Pokemon cards.

Now, you have a flyby of what HAPPENED in Venezuela, it’s time we landed our plane and fought of the Walking Dead hordes… Not zombies but regular shambling folks trying to hijack your ride so they can get the hell out of dodge.

Last year, two events took place in Venezuela; occult occurrences of orchestrated one-upmanship and sinfully slick civic chicanery.

1. A Presidential Election. Maduro, seeing that he didn’t have the numbers for a second term, went and wailed: “screw it I’m fudging the process.” In a succession of acts, that ended up crowning him as President once more, the man wiped his ass with the Constitution. He sped up the elections; had the CNE declare the candidacy of opposition leaders as null and void; refused the entrance of objective electoral observers like The Jimmy Carter Center; and tampered with the machines used to count the votes (the company who made the machines, Smartmatic, was run out of the country – pitchforks and all – when it presented evidence that the last 4 elections had been rigged).

As you can imagine, the National Assembly – the equivalent of the Senate and House Of Representative – went insane with indignation. They instantly put up a fuzz and declared the whole process a travesty and demanded a new election. Maduro and his cronies, using a Supreme Court (a gaggle of villains – some were even convicted of homicide, TWICE – put into power in 2015, shortly after the National Assembly was won by the opposition, and rushed into their job just to undermine the Senate) declared their bid and appeal as fictitious and basically told them to stop being such cry babies.

2. Constitutional Assembly. Another occurrence, hot on the heels of that last fiasco, was, that witnessing that The National Assembly wasn’t going to back down, Maduro rocketed in a proposal that cut their legs off and made the whole Political wing a Lame-Duck. How? He instituted a second National Assembly – called the Constitutional Assembly – seated by his friends and associates and Presided by none other than his wife. 

One of the hundred or so marches on Guido’s side telling Maduro to take a hike… ALL CIVILIANS.

The world kept moving on its axis and January the 10th came; time to crown the President. Nicolas Maduro was well aware that he couldn’t follow the Constitution – because the process that had elected him had been declared a sham – so he had the President of the Supreme Court – That’s right the same outstanding citizen with the two homicide convictions on his germane record – put on the sash and pat him on the back. 

“You are, hahaha… Sorry, I can’t help myself… The President!”

From that moment, Constitutionally, legally, logically and judicially speaking, Venezuela had no President. Why? Because the former had to depart the office after his tenure was completed, and there hadn’t been any real valid elections. The job was vacant. What most people had seen on the Television screen was nothing more than a power play and a theatrical representation with no legal backing. Obama throwing a raspberry into Trump’s face and locking himself in the Oval Office type of a scene. Maduro had for all intents and purposes unlawfully assumed the Presidency at a ceremony deemed illegitimate. 

“I don’t want to go. Wait, ‘people are stupid?… If they see it they will believe it? The Reality TV Factor?’ Please tell me more, Satan.”

So, when that happens, The National Assembly (This is the reason why elections are timed with a two year difference; so there is always a legitimate government driving the drunken donkey), went to the Constitution – one reformed and re-written by Hugo Chavez, mind you – and followed the rather strict simple steps already jotted down and made into legal gospel if such an eventuality did take place. Basically, in layman’s terms, The Constitution declares that if the Country is left without a legitimate President or Vice President, the rule of succession falls on the Chief Of The National Assembly, ergo: Juan Guiado. Over 50 countries, including the US, approved the invoked articles and backed Juan Guiado as the interim President of Venezuela… Interim, because after Maduro leaves, he has 3 months to call for elections. 

So, Venezuela, as of that date has: 2 Presidents (One legitimate and one de-facto), 2 Supreme Courts (one put into place by Hugo Chavez – that had to leave the country because of political persecutions – and one assigned in a 5 hour rush session by Maduro when he lost the regional pro-democratic elections in 2015) and, finally, 2 Senates (the one voted into power and the one boot kicked into the driver seat by Maduro last year when the former started causing a stink because over his elections).

That’s right,squirt, let’s all fork over our fingers and tap that mathematically theorem out. Venezuela is the only country that’s tittering on the razor’s edge playing footsie with doom while brazing itself on a 6 legged tripod of governing branches.

  • 2 Branches of Legislative powers.
  • 2 Branches of Judicial powers.
  • 2 Branches of Executive powers.

Proving once more that Marie Kondo’s simplistic views and minimalistic outlook on home decor can actually translate well to other fields of cluttered reality.

Goddamit Max, I have a headache… I just need dinner room conversation so I don’t look like a nitwit. What is happening RIGHT NOW?!

What’s happening right now.

A tug of war between two radically divergent models for the future of the nation; the frayed, battered and malnourished collective spine of the populace as the main rope parties are yanking at. Each day that passes, bones crack, sinews break, tendons snap and cervical joints cry “uncle!”

And on all international sides of the aisle every Presidential advisor and pundit is reading off their own personal script not even giving their editors a look at the travesty they are shelling out. But, what exactly is happening right now is sheer and utter chaos. Someone has to preside over the region and until that happens Venezuela is caught up in a mud room slap fest. No one is really governing. Guiado is putting all his chips and actions on strong-arming Maduro out of the office with marches and civil unrest, while Maduro – screwed into the BIG seat – is fighting back with a rather feed up and malodorous army.

Venezuela is caught right now in a whirlwind of crisis. A war-time economy – they were in a war? Nope – with an annual inflation rate of 8.000.011% (That’s not a typo those figures comes from Bloomberg… and it’s the most optimistic of the bunch). A massive humanitarian crisis due to medical and food shortages (the monthly income of a family is less than 7 dollars). A refugee problem akin to that of Syria flooding neighboring countries. Stealing from Bruce Springsteen, “debts that no other man can pay” (over 100 billion dollars to be exact). An armed militia put in place by Maduro, that allows him to get his hands dirty while gifting him with deniability (that’s running amok like its the Wild West). And, to cap it off, unrestricted human rights violations (verified by the UN) from Maduro’s side in various political prisons. 

That’s not a rocket going BOOM… It’s an inflation rate that makes citizens of war-torn nations threaten their bedraggled kids: “Eat your rock stew or Maduro will get you… and he’ll ‘fix’ our economy.”

Still, Maduro perseveres due to the fact that he has the military bought and in his corner. This strategy is only fortified by his alliances with other sketchy governments and groups throughout the world. While Guiado is being spearheaded by the likes of Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, EU, US, Chile, etc, Maduro is being endorsed by Bolivia’s Evo Morales – Chavez’s bed buddy – Syria, ISIS (yes, that ISIS), Al Qaeda ,Cuba, Russia, and China. The line in the sand, the reason why Maduro is clued in like a roach on a slice of bread, falls squarely on that last triumvirate of naughty boys.  

As of 2019, Cuba has been sucking on Venezuela’s teat for more than a decade. Chavez, and then Maduro, sending large shipments of crude oil and supplies to the small island. In defense of their free whammy, Cuba has repaid the booty by shipping over 20 thousand military and espionage members into Venezuela to back up Maduro. This is not Max being a conspiracy theorist, this is fact, straight from Raul Castro’s mouth; the man admitted it on the 12th of Abril during a live press conference.

Meanwhile, Maduro has a 20 Billion dollar debt with Beijing; hence why China is backing up his chicken dance and fronting the bill on the down-low.

“China is worried the opposition will come in and not necessarily want to honor their contract —- or find loopholes.”

Russ Dallen
Managing partner of investment bank Caracas Capital Markets.

And, finally, there’s Putin. Oh Putin, the man who takes Presidential lesson from 80’s Commie movie villains. 

“Dissident reporter?… Poison him with a radioactive isotope. Ukraine making noise, down airplanes?… Oops, a commercial Malaysian Flight. Pussy Riot bad mouthing me?… To the Gulags!” 

Putin has both of his testicles on the chopping board of Venezuela’s dingy cooking show. His right hairy ball behind a 10 billion dollar loan which Maduro secured by giving Russia 49.9% of Citgo (main oil company of the country) as collateral. And his left shriveled nut ready to bleed on account of the Military Installations Maduro promised the Russian Bear in the Caribbean Nation’s soil. The man balls deep in the skullduggery stew stirring the saucepan and spicing up the sour soup. In other words, if Maduro stays, Putin will have bought a foothold in the West for a couple of army planes, a small contingency of 100 soldiers and 10 billion dollars (10 billion he doesn’t loose but gain by becoming the second shareholder of one of the world’s biggest oil repositories). Not a bad deal, when you take into account how much the Tequila Island off the coast of Mexico cost Leonardo DiCaprio. This is a calculated and cunning plan birthed by Moscow which, if they come out on top, gives them unrivaled access to Latin America. Think Cuban Missile Crisis but a couple Kilometers South… No biggie considering the advances made in ICBM technology.

And just to really drive the knife and start scrapping the marrow, the first weekend of May, following snippet of unreality jumped into the media slipstream:

“And he (Putin) is not looking at all to get involved in Venezuela other than he would like to see something positive happen for Venezuela, and I feel the same way. We want to get some humanitarian aid – right now people are starving, they have no food, they have no water.”

Donald Trump after an hour long conversation with President Putin.

Donald Trump after an hour long conversation with President Putin.

Even political writer and lifelong satirists, Christopher Buckley, couldn’t have come up with a better script punchline and narrative beat; Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin – the former a man with the human decency (mind you, I’d still vote for him) of a calculator and the latter an ex-spook who’d need a software update just to spell humanitarian aid.

But, what exactly did they discuss?

Hush hush insiders have gone on record stating that Putin is willing to fork over his share of Venezuela for the right price. And what’s the pound of flesh being weighed on the scales of democracy?


“For Moscow, a deal of equals on Venezuela where Russia helps the U.S. diffuse the crisis by engineering a constitutional transition, should involve an equally significant concession by the U.S. (on a par with JFK-Khrushchev deal to remove nuclear missiles from Cuba and Turkey) to pressure Kiev into fully implementing the Minsk-2 agreements that would truncate Ukraine’s sovereignty and allow Moscow to retain some degree of control over Kiev’s security policies. Putin specifically mentioned that during his call with Trump. Withdrawing Russian military support for Maduro should also be matched by the withdrawal of U.S. military assistance to Ukraine.”

Vladamir Frolov
The Moscow Times.

So, as of right now, while I’m writing this article – Thursday, May 2nd, 2019 – Venezuela is a pig’s breakfast that smells a lot like a re-hatch or as this new generation is so fond of creating: a political re-make. It’s Cuba all over again. Same players. Same dog and pony… Just a new location and vogue cat’s paws.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more bizarre, this nugget of Twilight Zone goody spirals right out that self opening piñata of continental lunacy – the paper-mache monstrosity giving off funky party favors while I scribble this piece:

“The economical recession is even hitting criminals. Thieves and armed robbers are finding, due to the fact that there really isn’t any printed money on the street and that everyone is dealing in plastic, that they are out of a job. No, they can’t hold hostage a persona and take them to an ATM. Because most ATMs are out of bank-notes. The main MO, right now, is that they kidnap you, work out a payment plan with your family, free you and once a month they go by your house to settle the debt.”

Reporter for Tele Noche Noticias in Venezuela. 

Reporter for Tele Noche Noticias in Venezuela. 

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